"I don't want to come, Daddy! "

How many of you hate to attend ceremonies? I mean wedding/engagement/birthday/housewarming/baby shower/cradle ceremony/funeral etc. Now, it’s obviously a joyous occasion for people who are the hosts of the ceremony, but there is always a trade-off when considering whether to attend one or not. On an optimistic side, if you are a meticulous planner, you can starve from morning, or from the previous night to hog 'great free food' like never before! But it's sucha pain for most of them like me to attend it. Here, comes the big question WHY. Lemme go briefly with a few of these 'glorious' ceremonies and my nasty encounters with each!

1. Weddings/engagements: Frankly speaking, I just HATE (absolutely hate from the bottom of my EPIGLOTIS) attending any event. As far as weddings are concerned, it is a happy-go-smile occasion, agreed, but definitely there will be a few irritating rituals performed in every religion/region etc. You cannot deny that. And if someone says that "No, marriages are made in heaven and all the tiny-winy rituals performed make absolute sense to me, and are NOT insane and NOT embarrassing (at times).." then take it for granted, s/he is lying. Come on, now you are some real good material for tutorials on hypocrisy. Parents force you in every direction possible to accompany them for a wedding. Here is how a typical conversation goes between me and my mother to attend a wedding when person 'X' comes and hands over the invitation of his/her son/daughter which is going to be in held in 15 days from now. Convo in tamil with English subtitles.

Amma: Raghu mama ponnu kalyaanam adutha budhankazhamai. Kalyanam 'Gajanana function hall' la irukku. Nee vare la?

(Mr. Raghu's daughter is getting married. The marriage is at Gajanana function hall. So you are coming along with me, right?).

Me: (Ah... not again reaction) Enna? Kalyaanam ah? Ennala varamudiyaadhu. Enakku vele irukku. Naraiya padikanum

(What? Wedding ah? No, I'm not coming. I have work and need to study!)

Amma: Amaa, periya collector vele pakara apdiye.. padichu kizhichaachu ipo muttum ellame. Oru naal padikala na ulagam onnum ninnu pogadhu. Raghu mama evalo varutha paduvar nee varala na?

(As though, you have achieved great heights till now studying. If you don't study for a day, heavens 
will not fall down. And how much will Raghu uncle feel if you don't turn up)

Me: Enna ma? Naa enna pannuven. Bore adikum kalyanathakku pona. Yen dhaan manusha kalyaana pannikaaralo. Avangalala evalo perukku tholla. Ama, apdiye kalyaanam ae ninnu poidum naa varala na. Avarukku illadha kavalai unakku edhuku?

(What amma? I get bored when I attend a wedding. Why the hell do people get married in the 1st place? Coz of them, there are so many who get affected. And as though, the wedding is going to stop if I don't come. Why are you feeling so much?)

Amma: Ama, idhaan keka pora adutha vaaram exam la.  Vara vara unakku vaazhi romba jaasti ayiduthu. Ellam andha kanda kuppai Roadies um Boadies um andha Mtv la paarthu dhana? En kavala enakku. Nee Raghu mama ponnu kalyaanathuku varala na, appo un kalyaanathuku yaaru varuva naaliki? Neeyum naanum thaan otharu othara moonji ah paathundu irukanum. Thalai ezhuthu po. Appa kitta solren paaru inniki. Appa thaan unakku correct. Yaaru pechu um nee kekare maadhiri therila.

(Yeah rite, this is what is going to be asked in the exam next week. These days you seem to be arguing a lot. This is the effect of all those Roadies and Boadies on that stupid channel Mtv right? I have my own worries. If you don't come to Raghu uncle's daughter's wedding, tomorrow who will come for your wedding? Everything is fate... Let me tell dad when he comes back. He is the right person to mend you, else you dont seem to listen to anyone )

Me: (Ultimately give up to my mom). Seriiiiii.. rombave melo-dramatic ah aagatha. Varen...podhuma? Mtv lendhu ila, nee paarkara andha Chitti-Chitappa-Athai-Paati serial Sun tv lendhu thaan.

(Alrite, I l come along with you for the wedding. Now are you happy? N it’s not from the Mtv you are talking about, It is from all those daily soaps you see on Sun Tv!)

And this convo is repeated for every other Chary uncle's daughter or Hema aunty's son. Logically speaking, why would no one come to your wedding? Would it end up like "Kya Kehna" movie's Preeti Zinta's wedding? Hell NO! And, that's how I get dragged to every wedding, where my parents find some Mrs. Thyagarajan, Mr. Prasad to talk to, and I'm sitting all alone, starring at the dias or pulled by my parents into their conversation. At least sitting alone is much better, rather than facing those auntie's talks, giving my bio-data to every other person. "Yes aunty, I am studying in 9th class now. I plan to join Narayana Coaching Center for fast track coaching for engineering and get into IIT (and I never told or did any of these). :P

2. Baby shower: One of the MOST (again from the bottom of my epiglotis) annoying part of this function is, anyone and everyone who attends stare or at least glance (a milder version.. but it’s still annoying) at the pregnant lady's belly. Come on people, she has a baby inside, so obv its going to be .......... however it is!!! But, at least don't give that stare. Already, I'm sure the poor lady faces some 183 stares when she plans on taking a walk on the roads, or go to a grocery store/mall for some shopping. But, you can't help it... that is human tendency. But again, most of us don't have answers to such questions, coz these are age-old rituals, family pressure, blah blah and more blah. The other annoying part of this ceremony is the auntie(s). They crack such dumb PJ's (read as  * healthy humor as an act to make the mom-to-be laugh *), on the pregnant lady and the baby to come, and laugh amongst themselves and start blushing. For instance:

Mrs X: Mrs. Y, you know what, she is having a baby after 30

Mr. Y: You mean, after having 30 children.. ha ha haa..

Mrs X: (blushes).. Chee no no. I meant after the age of 30. Mrs Y, you have not left your humor even after 20 years, have you! hahaha. I regretted, and still do, for overhearing this conversation. Yeah, I'm out of words too!

3. One other common irritating phenomena in almost all these functions (except funerals), is singing. The local aunties and relatives sing with glory and breaking all records of noise pollution complaints by residents in a locality. Sometimes you feel like saying "Stop howling aunty. God is listening to you" During funerals, singing is taken to a totally different level. I'm sure you understand that.

4.  The “Koochi koochi koo” ceremony: Cradle ceremonies, I guess, are not all that annoying as the above.. All you need to do is see the baby, which anyways will be cute. But the annoying part is  hearing the "Awww.... how chweeet.. oh look at its eyes.. it just closed.. how soft are it’s hands?" phrase more than a dozen times. Obviously a baby is going to be cute, it cannot be hard as a rock and eyes will be closed, as it has nothing to do except sleep sleep and more sleep. And I still fail to understand mysterious statements made like this: “bacchi bilkul apne daadi pe gayi hai” !

For all who are wondering on the title watch on youtube – watch 09:11 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfYsJPT2PFs&feature=related. 

Gen Next – Hope life gets a lot less snobby for u guyz!

Cheers,

Janz!