It was hard to give up my 'fuck them and leave them' lifestyle. Simply hooking up once in a while is fairly innocent and meaningless, I always felt. Jenn, on the other hand disagreed. She said it was being slutty at its worst. Jenn and I have known each other for some years now. I never keep a record of dates and times and blah. That’s probably a reason why I don’t remember when I met Ryan. It doesn’t really matter you know. What matters are the experiences associated with it. Jenn is one of the very few people who had the gutsy guts to actually say things to me as it is. Jenn was a perfect hourglass figure. She is way older than me but looked too younger and anorexically chic. We were mostly weed-pals although I began doing drugs way before I met Jenn. So, it was a Saturday evening and we were hanging out smoking marijuana. Jenn can be unbelievably funny when she’s high. At times eccentric who probably lived on the edge of sanity. But it turned out to be neither this time. Jenn was not a very happy woman from the inside. She was bartending to earn a living and had to face a pile of shit. Jenn was on a rant and cry spree as she took longer and fuller drags. ‘Life happened and I got a little behind’, Jenn spoke and I realized it was my turn to stay quiet and hear it out. ‘We all want to wake up every morning and go to work thinking its going to be a good day right? But I know for the record everyday that there is going to be some dingy who walks into my bar to just ruin my day. Why are men such assholes? And guess what, they are men.. oh yes the boys who think because he is a male he can treat you however he desires because you are a woman. I control the fucking beer flow, I’m sure they know that too’. Jenn was on fire and I love to hear it out. Shit happens and no escaping it right! She is helplessly crying as she talks about an argument she had with a snobby looking 45 year old man sitting in her bar and the unexpected and highly unwanted happened. She leans close to my face, stares at my lips and breathed like a bull. I leaned back and turned my head. She kept talking and leaning in and probably preparing for a kiss in my mind. The tension was thick. She finally leaned in, slowly, forgot talking and just went for it. And she said ‘at your own risk’ before she put her lips on mine. Was I willing to submit? Was I moving away? The kiss was a lot different than the other countless forgotten kisses I have had in my life. Wow… that sure felt a bit weird but only later. I was attractive and I knew that. But it took a few moments for me to become aware of the fact that I was the object of flirtation right then. I turned and moved back saying ‘Ummm… not!’ Kissing is very enjoyable for everyone but this time I sure needed a few minutes before deciding. I had no freaking idea what I was going through. Is it the right thing to do? Why or why not? As I gazed at her motionless with these unanswered questions in mind, I could feel a hand moving up my legs. Jenn continued with her bold moves with no doubt and no fear. Wink, wink! She was trying to turn me from a man-chaser into a woman-worshipper in no time. It happened in different variations at different times and was most evidently a one-way traffic (from Jenn). It was when I puked outta booze that ‘it’ stopped abruptly. That was a definite turnoff. I’m not trying to come out clean of whatever happened, but I never really had that thing towards a woman quite honestly. I definitely find lotta pretty girls on the street as I walk, but I never get a feeling to do them. Jenn considered herself ‘straight’ until she got a taste of sapphic sexuality and reconsidered her identity. We never really talked about the why’s and how’s. Some things are better left unspoken.
The Trust Game...
I had a glass of Merlot in one hand and this charming man by my side as we took a walk. This is life, I said to myself. This is a respectful relationship. One I needed from a long time. All these years I was going after men who clearly didn’t understand how to pleasure a woman. Ryan made me feel like a woman. Not like a childish girl with a squeaky voice. I felt secure and needed to live in the moment. ‘Wanna play the trust game?’ Ryan popped up a question in his deep sexy voice amidst the beautiful silence I was cherishing. I didn’t know what it really was but instantly agreed. I guess the whole objective is to test and see how far you can go with your partner. It’s a fairly simple game. When it was my turn, I had to stand in front of Ryan with my back turned and arms stretched out to each side. Then, without looking back or moving my feet, I had to fall backward, trusting that Ryan will catch me before I hit the ground. It sounds real simple, isn’t it? But not for me. I stood there for the longest time ever trying to build up the strength to fall, at least make a start. And when Ryan tried to reach out and hold me, I’d get scared and take a step back. Ryan was clearly the winner when it was his chance. He blindly closed his eyes and in a fraction of a second fell into my arms. He clearly knew I would be there for him. He was always brimming with confidence. Ryan asked if I believed him. And, of course, I always said I did and knew he will never let me fall be it in this game or in the game of life. But every time, I caught myself before Ryan reached my arms. So I believed, but didn’t yet trust. That was a bit disturbing to me now.
And there came a bug in my head. 'Could this last forever?'
To be continued...
Getting bolder and better
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