The Big Name Syndrome

My heart felt sympathy, empathy and deepest condolences with all those people who believe "My name sucks" ! And if you are one among them, and want to feel better, keep reading below! FYI, my full name is: KALPATHI VENKATACHALAPATHI JANANI SHARMA IYER !!!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A *rolling eyes* expression?? "How does it feel now"? Any better?

To make things worse.. I have more than required number of pet names, a wrong name in my passport and very embarassing tales associated with my name. However, I still love it, as I get all the attention from most of them during these times, yeah.. for the right or wrong reasons!

My official name in passport: Last name: Kalpathi

First name: Venkatachalapathi Janani Iyer ----( dont know where the 'Sharma' disappeared.. or probably there was no space left..as this itself should have been quite a challenge!)

So, all my official docs/statements/credit card/debit card/driving license etc etc have different names. And no two docs have the same name. For instance:

Credit card name: Venkat J Kalpathi

SSN: Venkatachalapath J Kalpath 

etc etc..

Awkward moments...

In US, most of the Americans/Afro-Americans/Chinese/Spanish.. basically all the "non-desi junta" (all those who are not Indians) don't even get to pronounce my official 1st name completely.. They start off as "Ven kaa taa.." and they give up. It feels so terrible for a gal to be called as "Venkata" or "Venkat" or "Chalaapathi"..

In my current job, I am called as "Ja-naaa-nee". So, everytime I am on call with any of my colleagues, I have got used to saying "Hi, this is "Ja-naaa-nee" calling from bla bla bla... my current roomies have also started calling me the same, poor me! :( Arghhh.. but yes, I have got used to it. Some of the other awkward moments are..

1. When a professor calls out your name in the class:

This often happened during my grad school days. When the professor gives away the individual mid-term/quiz papers after grading to all the students in the class, none of them till date, I can tell you, have been able to even tell my "official 1st name" completely. And, most of the time, I don't let them do that also. Ask me how? Here are a few typical diagnostic symtoms, which I try to detect before even my entire name is massacred!

"The puzzled face look" symptom:

Whenever a professor sees an answer script, and instead of immediately calling the name out, he has a puzzled and a confused reaction on his/her face, this is the 1st symptom to detect that its probably gonna be my name that is going to be called out.

"Struggling to read the name" symptom:

When a professor starts out calling as "Venkata" or "Cal-paa". Thatz it. I rise up from my seat to go ahead to collect my paper to stop any further slaughter of my name.

I had taken a course called Manufacturing Management during grad school. And there was a very typical scenario as described above. Done with my 1st mid-term - professor in the class, with all the answer scripts ready to be given to the students. And there goes my name. He started of as "Ven..." and then he was so taken aback, that he started counting the number of characters in the 1st name. He remarked "WOW.. 17 characters in the 1st name, who is this?" It was clearly me without a doubt. I went on to collect my answer script from him. He just laughed off saying "Must be having some real good fun, I guess". With a *not again* look, I said "Yeah, a lot". What else do I say? Huh..  :(

2. In the SSN office:

I got my 1st part-time job in the 2nd semester. So, in order to begin work, I had to apply for a Social Security card. I was seated in front of the officer with all my documents handed over to her. In a few moments, she calls up a few other officers quickly for some reason. So, there are 4-5 officers discussing something very seriously, obv about me! I tried to ask for courtesy sake, if there is anything that I can help them with. And here goes her reply.. "Wel.. that is ok. You'r fine. We are just wondering on how the 1st name of both the father and daughter are the same".. Hmm.. yeah.. that is true.. my name is messed up big time! And my "this is my real name" has become my "official middle name" sadly.

3. Countless number of pet names!

All of us have pet names, right. And yeah, pet names are normally very cute, short, "awwww.. how chweet" reactions you normally get, when you mention "this is how I m called at home, or by my friends" stuff.

Here is a very concise list of pet names, called by different people in my life, during different times/occasions..

1. Jaanu (very obvious to guess, called by my best friend in school)

2. Jaan (again, a lil predictable, called ONLY by my best friend.. again she's from my school)

3. Janz (MOST popularly called, by friends all over, cousins, relatives etc etc. Thanks to my email id! )

4. Jhansi (fondly called at home. Named by my dad. He always thought I am a "Jhansi ki Rani" types.. highly unlikely if he still holds the same opinion)

5. Pandhi (its a telugu word meaning 'pig'). Nopes, I don't have anything characteristic with this animal.. This name was given my cousin.. and thanks to him, my entire FAMILY from my uncle(s) to cousins to grandmother, call me this way. I shall take my revenge on him someday. "Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad"....

6. With Pandhi, obviously follows the different classes of 'pandhi's'... strictly for the telugu crowd - mulla pandhi.. pichi pandhi etc etc...

6. Kalpathi - (my official last name turned out as one of my pet names.. basically 'Kalpathi' refers to place in Kerala, the southern part of India..)

7. Other nicknames from the above name - Kalpu,  Galpu, Kalpsss, Kalpathyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... and for all the folks who understand tamil - here are few others - Kalakkara Kalpathi, kottavi vidara Kalpathi.. etc etc.. I know it sounds a lil strange..
8. Jamaali - I don't know the meaning or the how this name could have been coined.. but it has nothing in common to my middle name except for the first syllable... nevertheless, another feather in my cap! 

9. Some of my friends also call me "Venky" or "Venkat".. this is the worst of all.. I'm sure you will agree with it too

But nevertheless, probably the whole world was happy when I was born, that everyone try to call me by a different name, good or bad or strange or wierd! :)

For all those who feel bad for me knowing all the "not so good" mishaps I have had with my name, that is OK! I STILL TOTALLY ROCK!  ;)

Cheers,

Janz!